They say all too often that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade…. just like that. But, they do not tell you the quantity of lemons you must squeeze to make lemonade or how important it is to avoid getting any bitter pith or skin in the juice or your eyes.

Maya Angelou said “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter defeats so you can know who you are what you can rise from and how you can still come out of it.”

The Impact of Trauma (part 1)

So, what is Trauma? It is an event that causes, or threatens to cause physical, emotional, and psychological harm.’

Trauma was once thought to be rare. Yet, in the current global climate, traumatic events happen to millions of people every day. We have only to turn on the TV to see images of war and natural disasters. Car accidents are commonplace, sadly, along with domestic violence. Of course, the bereavement of an elderly relative is sadly a natural part of life. Nonetheless, it can be traumatic when death happens suddenly or too early.

So, everyone, to some degree,  is vulnerable to trauma whether they or someone they care for. Sadly, our beliefs about the world or people can drastically change after a traumatic event. The consequences affect the thought process and behaviour patterns of the individual who has been traumatized. If, like myself, you have multiple traumas or your trauma event was early in life, the years that follow can be confusing and sad.

For example, when my parents got divorced, my world caved in. Removed from my home environment and placed in an uncertain world. I stopped going to school as I stupidly thought it was of little use to me. I grieved the loss of my home and my father although I was unaware that I was grieving. And unaware that I had lost my father. I was too young to understand the dynamics and consequences. Still, I reacted negatively and responded destructively to my new circumstances. I was an intelligent child. However, my intelligence, housed in an autistic brain, did not fully grasp the impact of my parents’ breakup. My belief about my world drastically changed. The A-class student morphed into an addict and a truant overnight.

People are all different and respond uniquely to a traumatic event. Some may have an immediate response, while others push the events to the back of their minds and create a series of coping strategies. They may throw themselves into work, or the bottom of a bottle or even the end of a needle. But eventually, they run out of steam and the impact of the trauma eventually catches up. For many, this catching up can happen extremely late in life. It’s not uncommon for menopause to trigger a delayed response in women when they reach that age. And often a similar age group of men finally face the effects of their trauma. For me, the lid of my Pandora’s box started to peep open when my eldest daughter reached 12. The age that I was when my parents divorced. The dark memories of the past started to invade my present which triggered a major mental breakdown.

My parents did not handle their divorce very well. Instead of continuing to parent us as individuals. They abandoned us. From a very early age, we were left to our own devices and vices. It felt like we were at the mercy of every adult predator in the greater London area. And, as it was the eighties, there were quite a few who thought abusing teenage girls was normal behaviour. Thus, I became prey. I think that is all I can say about that here.

 The repercussions of my parent’s break up have left a lifelong legacy of inadequacies. From my abilities in the workplace, my deficiencies in parenting and my shortcomings in relationships. One life event for my parents led to multiple adverse life events for me. And it’s no understatement to say I have led a life filled with grief and loss. I wish I had realised sooner the consequences of my parent’s divorce on my life. My experience underscores the long-term effects of trauma and the importance of addressing our past experiences as early as possible.

So, how has trauma affected me? It was a question posed early on in the TIG therapy sessions. At that time, I did not know how to respond. Being in the group was completely overwhelming for me. My autism, unknown to me then, contributed to my feelings of anxiety. The sessions were filled with distractions. One whole wall was a mirror facing the group. The other participants were all guarded and fidgeting with arms and legs folded. Sitting awkwardly on the uncomfortable chairs. The lights were too bright and flickered constantly. The room was stuffy. Every tiny sound echoed.

Yet, breaking it down, six ways were proposed on day one to approach this question of effect.

1. How you think.

2.  How you behave.

3. Personal beliefs

4.  Emotions

5.  How you relate to others.

6.  Physical feeling

How You Think

This, for me, was the hardest question. Due to my autism, I think in black-and-white terms, all or nothing. I did not understand that my trauma was trauma. It was only when someone pointed out that my way of dealing with the world was unhealthy. I thought that it was normal to have trust issues, fear issues, relationship issues, etc. That my mindset was skewed to the negative did not occur to me. The realisation that the controlling dialogue in my head was a lie. My catastrophic view of life was hurting me and those around me.

I had a catastrophic way of thinking. From buying a pasty to crossing the road, everything was dangerous. I saw images in my mind of car crashes while walking down the road. I imagined seeing people get mowed down by passing lorries. The blood and bones and gore spread across the street in my mind. I was irrationally convinced that all takeaway food would poison me or make me sick. I believed that all the people walking the street were, in some obscure way, bad people. I needed to keep away from them. I avoided making eye contact for fear of a verbal attack. The multiple possibilities of accidents and attacks just piled up in my mind. By the time I arrived at the therapy group, my anxiety was through the ceiling.

My mind has difficulty remembering the most important things and the little things. I forget to shop, I forget to eat and drink, I forget to pay my bills and take my pills. I forget to take a shower or look after my cats. I forget to phone friends, send cards, or make hospital appointments. I pretty much forget to do everything. If it isn’t on a list, I forget to read, and usually forget to write.

I have difficulty making decisions. I can’t decide; my brain freezes, goes into lockdown, and cramps up like my legs and toes frequently do. There is constant confusion about who, where, or when, and don’t ask me to work out the time of things. How long have I got before the bus? What time should I leave the house to catch the bus or the train? How long will it take to walk the distance to the stop or station? And despite doing these things on many occasions, I still can’t work it out.

Time is distorted. It’s either too fast, too slow or just not there. Sometimes weeks disappear. Hours flash by in a second. They are gone with no recollection of what I have done or achieved in that time. It’s one or the other. It’s always the extreme. Either, I’m thinking so fast I can’t keep up with the bombardment of ideas and thoughts. Or, I’m just thinking nothing but numbness and confusion. Fogginess and dullness settle on some days. I have to give up on those and do nothing. Because I just can’t do anything, and I cannot explain why. It feels as if my software has gone offline on those days. I need to reboot. By resting and doing nothing, my brain reboots in a small way. It comes back online in the next day or so.

This agony of existence is also completely exhausting. But we have to learn to go with the flow of life and not fight the barriers. It only makes things more complicated in the long run, so just flowing.. allowing life to roll on and roll with it.. then ease promotes more meaningful activity. Good things emerge when the pressure is off.

“The human capacity for burden is like bamboo

– far more flexible than you would ever believe at first glance” (Jodi Picoult).

I have learned to go easy on myself. I no longer put undue pressure on achieving things. This change has led me to a better place of peace where I can accomplish something.

 I was not initially aware of these thought patterns when I started on the TIG (Trauma Information Group) program. I am so grateful for the team at CCMH and the tools they have given me. They have enabled me to overcome some of the barriers in my mind, and to embark on my own healing journey .

So, what about you? How do you think? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

Part 2 – 6 coming soon in linked post